My Life Altering Altercations

Being a creative, talented and insightful person, many of my works have become worldly recognized and cherished. It is I after all, who always wins the annual Alaskan Ice Sculpting Competition. I was accepted to the University of Paris. Also working for museums around the world, I devote my time to sculpt a variety of historical recreations. On Wednesday’s I devote my time to teaching Beethoven, Shakespeare, and other well known literature to children in underdeveloped nations. I like to listen to ACDC. On Tuesday’s I help many immigrants from Russia learn our culture, as I speak French in Russian.

     Fascinating to women is my devilish talent of being able to eyeball the torque of a lug nut. I am capable of changing a tire. Through my mechanical and engineering genius I have carefully redesigned many of the cars for Ferrari, for without me they would be hopeless. On Thursday’s I attend rugby practices. I lit my back pack on fire while playing with a Zippo lighter. I trained the Navy Seals instead of the Marines, because they, the Marines, complained too much. I can reach the bowls in the top cupboards, travel across the country without a road map, and diffuse bombs for the bomb squad. I am the one who got rid of the mullet.

     I can cook an entire Thanksgiving dinner in about an hour, using nothing more than a barbeque lighter. I taught Einstein how to remember his formulas, Henry Ford the assembly line, and Shakespeare how to rhyme. I am an abide woodcarver, and rhinoceros dentist. I drive a Ford Ranger.  On Monday’s after school to relax, I break ice cubes with a ball peen hammer, and break walnuts between my knuckles. I can balance a pop can on the end of a broom handle. I can ask the awkward questions. I can always predict who is going to win this season’s Super Bowl at the start of every season. I don’t have an X-box. When I’m bored, usually on Saturday’s, I build full sized replica medieval castles out of sugar cubes in my back yard.

     I enjoy painting ceilings, turning cars into transformers, and playing hide and seek with terrorists in the Middle East, even though I always loose because I can never find them. I like to read auto trader magazines. On Friday’s I hold jousting tournaments using brooms and wearing hockey gear, while riding on dirt bikes. I can’t skate very well, but I can make ice sculptures out of frozen potatoes. I can talk in a funny German accent. I have sung opera performances in the Whitehouse, made speeches from the top of the Pyramids of Giza, and tobogganed down from the top of Mt. Everest. They named Doritos Sweet Chili Heat after me. I make model airplanes, and I’ve worked as a hydro-ceramics technician. I’ve taught the Vancouver Canucks how to golf, and given relationship advice to Tiger Woods on Sunday's.  

The one thing I have yet to accomplish in my longevities is to attend a post secondary institution.